Day 12

From the LDS Twelve step program

TRUTH KEY PRINCIPLE: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.


Doing a fearless and thorough inventory of your life will not be easy. When we say fearless, we do not mean you will have no feelings of fear. You will likely experience many emotions as you survey your life, including embarrassment or shame or fear. Fearless means you will not let your fears stop you from being thorough in the inventory process. In step 4, it means you commit to rigorous honesty as you focus on events in your life, including your own weaknesses, and not on anyone else's weaknesses. In the past you probably justified bad behavior and blamed other people, places, or things for the problems you had created. Now you will begin to take responsibility for past and current actions, even though you may need to acknowledge painful, embarrassing, or difficult events, thoughts, emotions, or actions.

If we are honest with ourselves we have to admit that we act on what we think about others. Think about it as you read this story I found on Mormon Times.

The reality is you cannot change other people.
No amount of nagging, begging, threatening or pleading is going to work, but if you are really unhappy with the way someone is behaving, there is one thing you can do: You can encourage them to want to change themselves.
Remember, people don’t resist change, they resist being changed. If they choose to change themselves, everyone wins. This has to be done very carefully, though because, if at any time this person feels you are trying to change them, they will dig in their heels and resist changing even more.
Any technique which uses guilt or fear to motivate (or manipulate) someone into changing will create resistance and may even encourage more bad behavior. These techniques put people on the defensive — where they must defend their right to be who they are. Manipulation may work temporarily (in your presence), but it won’t in the long run.
It is only when a person feels loved and validated (for who they are right now), that their defenses come down, and they become more open to changing themselves.
Unconditional love is the only thing that works.
Encouraging someone to change themselves, with love, is not easy to do. It requires a great deal of patience, maturity and self-control. Do you think you're up for it?
Good.
The trick lies in seeing this person’s potential and helping them see themselves as the better person you know they can be. This technique uses love to gently nudge this person in a better direction. Instead of focusing on the bad they do, you will focus on the good they are capable of doing (even if they aren’t doing any yet).
This works because people are not what they think they are; they are not what you think they are. People are, in fact, what they think, you think they are — whether it’s accurate or not. You are basically a mirror for them, and when they look into your eyes, they see a reflection of themselves (as they think you see them). Over time, they start to believe that is who they are. Does that make sense?
Think about it. If you tell your children they are no-good little brats, and you say it often enough, they will become no-good little brats. If you tell your children they are wonderful little helpers who always pick up their toys (and Mom is so proud of them), and you say it often enough, they will become wonderful little helpers who pick up their toys.
The only way to encourage someone to change themselves is to change how you see them and treat them — and it has to be convincing!
You literally have to see the best in them. You have to see who they are capable of being instead of who they are currently being. This can be very difficult when they are behaving badly, but it is the only way.
This is what I would recommend:
1. Sit down and brainstorm on paper how you would like to see this person behave. Who do they have the potential of being if they were their highest best self?
Get detailed and specific.
2. Figure out how you would treat them if they were this person. Again, get specific about how you would behave differently, if they behaved differently.
You may have been treating them in a way which actually encouraged bad behavior. We call this “Complicity.” If I am always nagging my child to be good, I might actually be igniting more rebellious behavior. If I am mad at my spouse for his grouchiness, acting mad at him might actually encourage more grouchiness.
So you might be partly responsible for the bad behavior when they are around you. The good news is that you have total control over your side of it.
So how does your behavior need to change, for them to see themselves as a different person? Figure it out.
3. Then start treating them that way. Start telling them how great they are. Start giving positive feedback for the behavior you want, and ignoring, as much as possible, the bad.
(This is where the maturity and self-control come in.)
Keep treating them this way for a while. Be consistent and patient. Make sure, every time you interact with this person, you tell them or show them the good you see in them. If you are not seeing any good behavior just pretend it’s there and compliment them anyway.
You are not lying to them!
You are reminding them of who they really are. You are choosing unconditional love for who they are meant to be instead of judgment, fear and condemnation for who they are now. You are encouraging the best in them instead of focusing on the worst.
I have seen many husbands, wives and children totally change themselves only in a few weeks or months with this loving technique. I can’t promise it will work, but it is the best chance you have. So it is worth a shot.
Kimberly Sayer Giles is a popular speaker and life coach (see www.ldslifecoaching.com) who resides in Bountiful, Utah.


Changing the way we think of others is vital to our relationship with them.