Day four

Hi, my name is Elaine and I’m addicted to negative thinking.

The first step in addiction recovery classes is to be honest with yourself and others and be willing to admit that you are powerless over your addiction and your life has become unmanageable.

Newly married, Phil was probably wondering what he had gotten himself into as he stood outside the bathroom door. His young bride, me, was locked in on the other side sobbing. I don’t remember what I had locked myself in there for, but it would be one of many like situations in our now 32 years of marriage this April. He does something that I see as thoughtless and I am wounded, he doesn’t understand and is a little aggravated, and I fall apart.
Can you hear the song in the background? “Poor, poor pitiful me, poor, poor pitiful me”
Lest I paint myself as a weak whimpering little thing, usually my response would be to literally “work it out”. If I’m upset at home everybody knows it. I start to clean frantically and huff and cry and mutter my angry thoughts, and slam cabinet doors. Not a pretty picture.

Just writing this makes me want to say “snap out of it, grow up and pull yourself together” of course if he or anyone else said that out loud to my face, hell hath no fury…

I usually don’t get upset for no reason. I have had what I think are more than my share of hardships and stress, but I make no excuse for my choices in dealing with them now. I am taking full responsibility.

The past few days I have been able to keep my thoughts, and therefore my actions, positive by reminding myself that I don’t want to be that person anymore. I know the consequences of my negative thoughts and I don’t want to go there anymore. I remind myself that I am stronger than I think, and I can do hard things. Doing this is practicing the principle of faith. To show faith you have to do something. An act of faith always precedes the miracle, and the miracle has been this great feeling of love that doesn’t go away, a happy almost giddiness (which I guess is joy), and it’s infectious. Momma is happy so everybody’s happy.

A nasty little thought keeps trying to creep into my head. It’s telling me that things are going pretty well at home right now, the bills are getting paid, everyone is healthy, my husband loves me. It’s easy to be positive during times like this. Well these good conditions have been prevailing for some time now and It was my bad attitude that caused me to go searching for a solution just days ago. Plus, if I establish these habits now I will be armed and ready when a real trial comes to test my resolve. Remember, I have decided to decide.




Thanks to Bryan Gentry for posting these on facebook. They are perfect reminders for today.

"Shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad." D&C 128:23


‎"Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest" Joshua 1:9