I almost had a relapse. Woke up early as usual. I had a tired headache when I went to bed and it was still there when I woke up. At 6am I went to wake Quentin up for seminary. (I do this because the sound of an alarm clock is alarming to me) I laid back down and dozed off briefly, which made me feel cranky. I didn’t hear Quentin stirring so I went to check on him. He moaned about feeling nauseous and said he was staying home. Go back to my room, where we have scriptures and prayer, and Phil begins to quiz me on what Quentin is doing and what I am doing about it. The irritable thoughts creep in and I reply just a little sharp. I’m not sure he noticed. I remind myself I am not that person any more and that Phil is trying to help. As I let go of the unkind thoughts and lighten up I decide to say something cheery and my mood completely changes. Faith precedes the miracle.
I learned a word in a conference once. Yagottawanna. It sounds like an Indian word, but it means what it says; ya gotta wanna. Like the story of the teacher who holds his students head under the water while he struggles for life, and when he brings him up he says “when you want to learn as much as you just wanted air, then I will teach you.” It took me a lot of years to get to this point, but I want to change so bad that I’m willing to do something my mother told me never to do. She always said “ never air your dirty laundry in public.” Talking openly has committed me to change, especially since I have an instant support group counting on me, talk about motivation!
Thoughts from the LDS twelve step program:
Become willing to abstain Even though people's addictions are different, some truths, like this one, never vary—nothing begins without an individual's will to make it begin. … The only requirement to begin recovery is the desire to stop participating in the addiction. If your desire is small and inconsistent today, don't worry. It will grow! Some people recognize the need to be free from addiction but are not yet willing to begin. If you are in that situation, perhaps you can begin by acknowledging your unwillingness and considering the costs of your addiction. You can list what is important to you. Look at your family and social relationships, your relationship to God, your spiritual strength, your ability to help and bless others, your health. Then look for contradictions between what you believe in and hope for and your behavior. Consider how your actions undermine what you value. You can pray that the Lord will help you see yourself and your life as He sees it— with all your divine potential—and what you risk by continuing in your addiction. A recognition of what you lose by indulging in your addiction can help you find the desire to stop. If you can find even the smallest desire, you will have room to begin step 1. And as you progress through the steps of this program and see the changes that come into your life, your desire will grow.
From LaDawn:
ReplyDeleteMy mom told me something like that, too. Never speak negatively of your spouse. She told me when I got married that if I ever came to her with complaints about my husband she wouldn't hear them. She'd march me right back to him and say 'work it out.' This is a wonderful system IN THEORY. For mothers and daughters I think it's good. But I carried the advice out to the general as well, meaning I could NEVER express my fears and disappointments about my marriage relationship to ANYONE. This was not healthy for me. And I think I would have saved myself a lot of misery if I had been able to reach out for support sooner. Of course I don't condone 'husband bashing' or anything like it, but when we put our boundaries around OURSELVES, and work to improve OURSELVES, and realize we are the ONLY one we can control, the things we say, the things we focus on, slowly become positive on their own. This has been my experience. And for the record, I have nothing negative to say about my spouse! He's a gem!
Katherine wrote: "I just had a chance to catch up on your blog and day 5 really hits home for me. Yes, I am battling an addiction and I will always have to battle it. Everyone of my friends know, so I'll just say it-I'm addicted to sleeping pills. I never thought I would become addicted to anything but I became addicted when I made a very bad decision in my life many years ago and after that I had a hard time sleeping so I started off just taking one every now and then until it reached the point where I was taking 2 to 3 each night. All this happened a few years after I went to the temple to receive my endowments. I'll never forget my mother telling me that Satan would try even harder to lure me and I allowed it to happen. I have not had the same desire to attend church since then. This is something that I battle every Sunday because I know where I should be. I've only been to church 3 times this year and I do feel bad about that. I find a way to justify it by saying that my school work is overwhemling this semester and it truly is, but I stay home to study instead of going to church. I need to change my attitude and not let Satan lead me the other way. I have never ever for one single minute denied the truthfullness of the Gospel and I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. Your words have truly inspired me to do what I need to do-I need to change my attitude and see how I will soar!! I've done it before and I had such a feeling of peace inside but I no longer have that feeling. After today, my attitude will change. Thank you so much for sharing your blog. I would respond on your blog page but I don't know how. Yes, I am technologically challenged!! Love ya Elaine!!!!!"
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