Day 6

Changing your thoughts changes the way you act and takes a great deal of humility.

From the LDS Twelve step program:


Step2: Come to believe that the power
of God can restore you to complete spiritual
health.
When we realized our powerlessness over our
addictions, most of us felt stripped of any
Hope…Finally humbled, we reached out for help. Following
what felt to us like the tiniest ray of hope...

Pride and honesty cannot coexist. Pride is an illusion
and is an essential element of all addiction. Pride distorts
the truth about things as they are, as they have
been, and as they will be. It is a major obstacle to your
recovery. Being easily offended is pride. Taking offense whether it was or wasn’t intended can be avoided by changing our thoughts.
I read this great article from Meridian Magazine by Nicholeen Peck, it is a parenting article that applies to all of us.

It is impossible to go through life without experiencing that hurt which comes from an unkind word, or a questionable glance. When these things happen we are left to wonder and assume what the person really thinks of us and if they intended to offend.
Children especially have a tendency to take offense to small actions and words. A mother asked me this about her daughter who has a problem with being offended.
“How do I help my eight-year-old daughter stop tattling on friends and family members? She takes offense by so many things. And, she seems to want to get other people in trouble to make herself look good. What do I do to stop this?”
The other day I had a group of children over playing at my home. One of our visitors. Melissa, came to me with a very pouty face and tattled on behaviors of two of the other children. She told me that one person was rude because they told her she shouldn't play with the toy she was playing with. Then she said another child was also mean because she said to the group, “Melissa can't have sugar so don't give her a candy.”
It was true that she was not allowed to have sugar, but she didn't like people talking about it. She thought it was rude and she was very offended.
What Did I Do?
The first thing to do, if this is a new behavior, is to check the facts. So, I called all the children together for a meeting about the incident. Melissa was given the first opportunity to tell what happened, and then one by one each child told the events of the situation from their perspective.
After listening to all the children, it was very clear that Melissa had a habit of looking for reasons to be offended. The other children hadn't done anything wrong. They told her not to play with a real cell phone and tried to honor her family rule about sugar. She was the one who read more into their words than was really there.
Adults Do This Too
Have you ever known a person to do this? I knew a woman once who was always analyzing what people did or said after the incident. She would assume a lot and often times make evil intentions appear 'out of thin air.' This woman had a hard time keeping friends. She was far too busy judging people to actually feel love for them and just couldn't find anyone who didn't eventually offend her.
Are all people rude all the time? Certainly not. She was just in the habit of seeing the world and people as offensive. Her actions were prideful, and they led to much unhappiness and unrest. I felt bad for her. She had chosen so much sadness.
Step Two
After the talk confirmed that Melissa had made up her own sadness and tried to get other people in trouble at the same time, I knew I needed to talk to her alone. I asked her to stay after the meeting for a talk. The very first thing I did in the talk was describe the situation and how she had chosen to react to the words said. I then gave her a rationale for why her reaction was wrong. As part of this explanation I told her it was worse to choose to be offended by another than to be the person to say bad things. I also told her how she could keep herself from not being offended next time she was tempted to feel bad about what someone said and how to know when it was appropriate to go tell moms or dads. These are the four things I told her to do.
1. Assume the best of the person instead of the worst as soon as a hurtful feeling comes. A good way to switch your attitude is to be grateful for the other person.
2. If you feel they don't completely understand something, kindly disagree. She could have said, "Londyn, I know we don't usually have sugar, but we can have it sometimes. If I ask my mom, I might be able to have this candy."
3. Choose to be okay with not always getting your way. And, play happy with your friends even if you thought something happened that might be unkind. I call this accepting a no answer.
4. Only go tell on people when something dangerous is happening or someone is bloody etc. If you go tell on someone for not sharing a toy, you are most likely tattling.
Melissa looked at me with great interest when I talked with her about what I knew she was doing inside her head that would destroy her relationships, and how she could keep herself more happy by consciously choosing not to be offended. She said she would try to think better of other people.
Is Taking Offense Tattling Then?
Many times the reason our children come tattle to us is because they have decided to assume someone is being mean or rude. They want to make that other person look bad because they felt bad about what was said or done to them. Who are we kidding? Adults do this too. That's why gossip happens.
Gossip is just tattling for older people, and we all get sucked into it from time to time. We just need to see it for what it is and opt out.